Why does it always have to be about money?!

"Show me the monneeeeeyyyy!!"

I hate that money is involved in EVERYTHING.  I can try to be all positive about love and life and relationships, etc. etc...

But the reality is that money is on all of our minds EVERY day.

It's so annoying!

I don't want to think about it all the time, and I wish it wasn't such a stresser and constant thought on my mind.

This month alone, I have my regular bills (rent, BGE, verizon, gym, student loan, cell phone, gas, food).  I also had my huge 6 month car insurance payment (over $500), and I'm getting a lot of maintenance done on my car too (about $550).  Not to mention the money I have put into starting my own business (Thirty-One).  I feel like every time I feel good about money, there's always a random other bill or expense that pops up!

I wonder if my wallet/bank account are traitors! Maybe they tell everyone that I have some "extra" non-used money in my account, so that's why I get random bills/expenses?!

I have my master's degree program coming up as well.  For the first semester, I need $700.  I know that that is a severely discounted rate, considering the fact that the rest of it has been reimbursed by the county.  I reaaallllyy didn't want to, but I think I will be taking out a student loan for my master's.  My hope would be to pay some of it myself initially and then use the loan for the rest, so that when I finish my master's, it won't be for the full amount of the degree.  We shall see.

Do you ever feel annoyed that it's always all about money?!

Made My Day

So the car situation turned out way better than I thought it would.  Because of a wet driver's seat and pet hair all over, the rental place ended up not only paying for one of my days like they told me they would, but actually ended up paying for all 11 days! Woo!  I went from going to have to pay $154 to nothing! Yesss!

...and it gets better!

The body shop was able to take my deductible from the insurance checks, so I didn't owe them anything either! AND on top of that, when he did his math, he found out he actually OWED ME 10 bucks! Wait a sec, I get paid 10 bucks to get my car fixed from two accidents! Um, OK!

So needless to say I was in a fantastic mood the rest of that day.  My bank account is still in a great mood too :)

I did some mad Black Friday shopping (from midnight-8am and then again from 3-7pm) and got just about all of my Xmas shopping done.  So I used the money I was going to use for the rental/deductible and paid off my Xmas credit card debt.  Woo! 

Tomorrow I go back to school after a 5 day break.  I'm not even totally dreading it, because it was so nice to have a couple days to recharge that I'm ok with going back.

Now I'm off to a brunch with my best friends, and then we're going to make cookies all afternoon!  Best week ever! :)

It pays to be nice!

So two years ago I got in my first car accident, and shortly after someone ran their door into my door.  So I went to this car shop to get my car worked on twice within the same month or so.  The people at the car shop were so nice to me, and really took good car of my car.  They made sure to get it back to me sooner than later, and honestly I was just so happy to get it back looking so nice again!  So I sent them a thank you card, because that's just the kind-of person I am! lol.  I know it's silly sounding to send a body shop a thank you card thanking them for something that they do all the time.  But I really wanted to do it, so I did.  They called me when they got it, saying that it was so sweet and they were so surprised because no one has ever done that before.  :)

 Skip to now and my horrible car luck and I'm back at the same shop.  Why go anywhere else, when I know that they do great work and treat you fairly?  Well, not only did they remember me when I called (two years later!) but they still have my thank you card pinned to their wall! Yes, really!  

Two years ago I got a $100 discount because they were a "VIP" body shop under my insurance.  Apparently they didn't continue doing this with Ameriprise because they had to keep up with certain training/paperwork, blah blah.  So although I love this car shop, I was bummed I wouldn't get my $100 off like last time.

I talked to the guys at the shop about it (the two owners) and they said that they will definitely save me at least $100 off my deductible, if not more! 

Ooohhhh yeaa! It pays to be nice! So all I have to say to those nay-sayers who say thank you cards are not necessary is Ha!

:)

I also got a discount off of the rental car place because they gave it to me when it was still damp in the driver seat (gross) and the cup holders were covered in pet hair.  So I called and complained and they are going to take a day off for me! 

My bad luck is starting to turn around!

Tomorrow I am dancing the thriller dance at my school's talent show.  Wish me luck! Lol.  Should be interesting...

Today is the day!

I'm taking my car into the shop today, finally!  I'm also getting a rental car.  The fact that I will be spending a ton of money with my deductible as well as the cost of a rental car for about a week is in the back of my mind only because I'm just so anxious for my car to be fixed already!
 
Woo!

I took a half day to get this done, and I'm hoping that I will have some leisurely break time between doing the car stuff and going back to school, just so I don't feel like I took the time to make sub plans just to be super busy and not have time to relax a bit.  We shall see.

Thursday night is the Talent show.  Originally I was going to do a staff act like I did last year, but a lot of people dropped out and it just didn't work.  So now I'm doing an act with a bunch of kids and our music teacher...Thriller by Michael Jackson.  Oh yeaaah.  I'm trying my best to practice non-stop but it's hard finding the time.  Pray that I don't embarrass myself onstage!

Anyways, have a terrific Tuesday!

Worst Week EVER

So last week had to be the worst week EVER for me.  On Thursday morning, I got into a car accident on the way to work.  I was literally a mile away from work.  A girl cut me off, and didn't put her blinker on until she was already getting over and so we collided.  Of course she said I hit her, but really she ran into me because she wasn't paying attention.  After we exchanged information and got back on our way, I get a call from my bank saying that there's fraud on my debit account. WTF?! Yep! Almost $2,000.  So they're cancelling my card.  All charges were caught except one (which thankfully was only 50 bucks) so as soon as that one shows up I'm just supposed to go to the bank to file paperwork and get it back. 

...wait it gets better...

On Sunday morning at 6am, I was on the way to the Breast Cancer walk in Hunt Valley, and on Brokenland Parkway a deer ran in front of my car.  Of course there aren't many street lights there so it was really dark out.  I didn't even see it until it was in front of me.  So I hit it, it hit my hood and then rolled off to my right side.  Thankfully it didn't touch my windshield.  I got out, looked at my horrific damage from the huge deer (it was really large!) and then balled my eyes out in my car before getting back on the road. 

So within 4 days, I was in two car accidents (both not my fault) and had fraud on my bank account.  Awesome.  To top it all off, my co-workers that it would "lighten the mood" to make jokes about hitting wildlife at lunch on Monday.  Yeah, so not funny.  It got to the point where on Tuesday I snapped at them and said "I don't really find the fact that I got into two accidents within the same week very funny so I'd appreciate it if you didn't make those kind of jokes."  I was NOT in the mood for it.  They got the hint. 

Photo #1:  Damage from the girl who cut me off.

Photo #2: Damage from the girl who cut me off AND now the deer damage.  Ugggghhh.

So now it's SUPER confusing with two different claims, trying to figure out how I will get the damage fixed, and who exactly is paying for it.  So annoying!

Who is that girl?

Do you ever look at photos of yourself and just think "Ugh! That can't be me!" I just looked at my friend Jen's wedding album online from the photographer and that's definitely what I thought when I saw the pictures of me.  I was a bridesmaid, so I'm in a lot of photos, and honestly I'm only sort-of happy with maybe 2 of them (out of 100+ photos that I'm in).  YUCK!

This was my face when I saw those photos!  I think Queen Liz would agree!

My first thought is that I looked like a plus size model for bridesmaid dresses.  I literally had to double-take and make sure it was actually me.  I know that this will be more motivation for me, but I really hate seeing photos like that.  I hate knowing that Jen will have them of me forever!  And I hate thinking that I've let myself get to that point!  I was the queen of photos (both taking them and being in them) for such a long time, it's a weird feeling to not want to have your picture taken as much anymore.

Have you ever felt like that before?

Staying Busy

Since I was in high school, I have always been someone to load my social and professional calendars up to the brim with things that make me happy. In high school I: belonged to the drama club, the interact club, the french club, band, chorus, madrigals, I performed in plays and musicals, I was the field hockey manager, I babysat on the weekends and worked at Columbia Association on weeknights. On top of all that, I was always everywhere with my friends...out and about at the mall or other people's houses, random drama parties on the weekends, etc. I literally did not stop. I both hated and loved my passion for wanting to do everything so bad that it meant doing it all at once, even if it sacrificed my sanity.

I'm still pretty much the same way today, for better or worse. I am always busy with work in general; it's part of being a teacher. It's a very complex, tedious, and hard job where there is always more work to be done. To add to that, I have always made my students a priority and by that I mean that I always tell them that I am their #1 fan. So I try to make it to all of their chorus and band concerts, the enrichment fairs that show off their projects, plays, etc. Well, if I stay for those, I usually just stay right on through from the end of school by doing work until the show starts.

Then there's my social/personal loves...seeing my best friends at least a couple times a week, trying to stay on top of working out so that I can feel better about how I look, going on the computer late at night to facebook with other friends or just to check emails or blog, etc.

It's a lot, and I know it is. I know that I am always busy and it's not always easy for me to be spontaneous with much. But for some reason, there has always been a little voice in my head that tells me it's ok to be stressed out with all this, because it's all stuff I want to do really bad, so I'm just going to do it...even if I'm flat out exhausted by the end of the day and don't get to bed until late, only to wake up in the morning sleep-deprived.

I know this method of mine has many flaws, and even while writing this I know that I should probably slow down more often, and not jam pack my week nights and weekends. But it's just so hard for me to want to not have anything planned. I like knowing that something fun is coming up, and that I won't be just sitting around, even though sometimes I need that.

This week for instance:

Monday: Work, went to an outing with students after school, worked out for 1 1/2 hours

Tuesday: Field Trip at work, worked out with co-worker after school, ran errands, had dinner, went back to school for Strings Concert

Wednesday: Work, this is normally my babysit night but it was cancelled. I actually did relax a little this night. I didn't work out, even though I wanted to...I was so exhausted.

Thursday: Went to get bday gift for co-worker before work, early meeting at work, work all day, went and got bday gift for another co-worker, went home and did laundry, met up with Winky and helped take some stuff from the old place apart, got dinner and watched Grey's until 10, and of course now I'm blogging.

Tomorrow: Work all day of course, home to run errands/clean up, champps to meet up with co-workers, movie with co-workers and DW, sleepover

Saturday: Early morning 5K walk/run with KD to support "Girls on the Run." Plans to meet up with Daniel afterwards. Possible shoe shopping to look for wedding shoes. (B's wedding!)

Sunday: Sort-of early 5K walk to support research for Cystic Fibrosis. Get ready for Monday.

OY!

Lots to do...but I want to do all of it!! I'm crazy, I know. Gee, I wonder why my anxiety comes and goes...I know I do this to myself. And that's what's funny to me, is that I know it and still do it anyways because the pros of doing everything that makes me happy (and others happy too usually) completely outweigh the cons of not getting enough sleep, feeling rushed and/or stressed a lot of the time.

On that note, I'm going to put my laundry away and then try to get into bed before 11pm tonight!

Have a good one! :)

Professional Worrier

*worry

Well, I thought that I had pushed my anxiety days away for a good while...

I was wrong.

Let's just say, that in some respects, my anxiety is better in the sense that I have a better understanding about it, I know of more ways to deal with it, and I'm openly aware that I have it.

In other ways, I feel like I'm back at square one.

I don't have as many night anxiety fits anymore like I used to. I have more of the daily worrying thoughts through my head about absolutely everything. What someone is thinking about what I just said, did, or what I look like at that moment; what I need to do and why I haven't done it yet; what I need to do tomorrow after I cross off what I just did today; if anyone cares about what I'm talking about or if I should just shut-up and listen; do I really have confidence at all or am I just faking it?; am I really a good teacher? a good friend? a good girlfriend? Do I think too much? Do I worry too much?

Yes. Yes, I do.

I just wish I could find the on/off switch. Or maybe even a dimmer. Please just tone it down for a minute, brain. Please.

One minute I feel fine and don't even think about worrying or anxiety or any of it. The next, for whatever reason or because of whatever trigger, I am in worry city and I can't find my way out.

By the way, my therapist was supposed to call me in January after he changed offices and insurance companies. It's February 12th, and I have yet to hear from him. Rude. And bad timing.

I feel like some days are 96% happy and worry free...No. Not worry free, because I don't even know if the non-professional-worriers such as myself are completely worry free. Ok so some days are 96% happy and less worry-filled. Other days are 70% worrying and 30% happy. What gets to me is that my brain always finds something to worry about. I preach and talk about staying positive, and yet I can't allow myself to. What the hell is that about? I think positively about things that I can control, and not so positively about things that I can't. I guess it's that simple. And that...ugh, it just sounds so pathetic. I'm a control freak. Not a thought I enjoy having.

I'm just over it.

I've been trying to be more honest lately, for better or worse and to take more chances. I can't even wholeheartedly do that. As I speak a sentence, send a text, or write an email that has even the most minute* tone of brutal honesty, I am already thinking ahead about a response sentence/text/email/whatever that takes it back or apologizes for it.

I'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of thinking about how I think. And I'm tired of complaining. I feel like I still keep so much in, and I want to let it all out but what's already in there is keeping me from getting it out. Not sure if that made sense, but I don't want to go back and read that to check it.

This is a weird time to end this post, but I am just so tired and I don't know what else to type or think...Thank goodness.

Goodnight.**

*I hate that minute and minute (are you saying it in your head the two different ways yet?) are spelled the same. Homographs are stupid and the people that made them part of the English language did it just to be a*holes. Yep, I said it. How the heck am I supposed to teach phonics to students who can't read, when minute and minute are pronounced in two different ways and have two different meanings?!

**I think goodnight should be two separate words. Good night. It is when you say, "Have a good night" right? So why not when you shorten it? I think technically it is, but society/the Internet is ok with it being together.

Happy Holidays!

So Christmas was a lot of fun with both of our families this year. Lots of good food, great presents, and family time. We haven't exchanged with Dan's brother's family yet because they were in NC, but will soon. :)

In other news, my Winter Break started on a rocky note, when I found out I was a victim of credit card fraud. No small cost either...it's currently up to $740.10. I filed a police report and at first they thought the cashier from Target may have taken my number from the swiper (which I was secretly hoping was false, because then my obsess...I mean uh, relationship with Target would drastically change for the worst). But after the officer checked into it more, we found out that that is not possible (my love for Target is completely restored!!). We also found out that all of the charges are from California. I guess a hacker may have gotten it from me when I ordered something online recently. Who knows.

Well what made this whole situation even more irritating, was that my bank said it would take up to 2 weeks to get back my cards. OH YEAH...and that's another thing. I only have two cards. A debit card and a credit card, both under the same institution. So since they're supposedly connected, they both had to be blocked. GREAT. Well they told me that I can expedite the cards, for ONLY $15.00 per card. Um, excuse me?! I have to pay money to get my cards sooner, when this whole mess wasn't my fault?! AGGH!

So I ended up expediting one of the cards. Turns out Fed Ex is the one who delivers it, but only with a signature. I was not aware of this. So this morning on my door, was a Fed Ex sticker saying that I had to go pick up my order sometime after 2 pm. Ok, fine. No big deal, right? Nope. The catch: It's in Linthicum. Great. We got SUPER lost in the icky part of Baltimore for a good half hour trying to find this stupid place. Then, when we got there we had to wait a while because the package was on the other end of the building so it took a while for the person to get it.

AHHHH what a mess. Oh, and I am still waiting to file a claim for the money, because I can't until ALL of the charges have gone through. Still waiting on one charge. Once that goes through, I'll be in the bank filling out the paperwork for it. Hopefully they will put the money back in ASAP. We shall see.

Ugghh.

Went shopping with Dan and his mom today. I was really good! I only bought one shirt, which I'm really excited about, from Old Navy.

Don't you love how feminine and pretty it is? I love it! It may just be part of my New Year's outfit, but we shall see. Dan and I are going to Maggiano's for a nice dinner (which is why I'm not sure about the white shirt at a pasta place) and then stopping by his brother's later on for the countdown.

I'm trying to get rid of a cold. I've been taking these Zicam rapid melts and trying to drink lots of fluids. Wish me luck!

Happy Holidays!

I did it!

Exciting Thing # 1
I just scheduled my first EVER therapy session with a therapist who has come highly recommended. I see her next week.

Woo!! This is a big step for me! Wish me luck next week!


Exciting thing # 2
Dan and I both got webcams and have been Skyping!! Don't ask me why we haven't figured this out for the past 3 years of long distance, but it's great to have now! :)

Updates

I've been a bit MIA lately, only because wrapping up the last days of school is taking a lot out of me!! So much to do until the 23rd!


So here's what's been going on, in a completely ridiculous random order:


No sleep!- With the exception of this weekend in VA Beach, I have had the WORST sleep ever! All last week and last night I have not been able to sleep at ALL. Last night/this morning I was up before my alarms went off! I literally toss and turn the entire night. It's awful!! One night last week I had taken 2 excedrin pm pills, and it knocked me out so much that I didn't get up until 7:30am which is the time I usually leave the house! OY. I think tonight I'll just take one pill, and set 4 extra alarms. Wish me luck!


Moving along in the right direction- My school psychologist was nice enough to help me filter through the list of hundreds of therapists in this area who take my insurance. I'm down to two names. Next move: Call and make an appointment! :)

Yoga- Dawn and I went to Yoga last Thursday. We were actually supposed to go the Thursday before that, but we got our dates mixed up. Ah well. It was FANTASTIC. It was such a great workout and so relaxing! It couldn't have come at a more perfect time for me too, I've been so stressed out lately with school. Beth we missed you!

Beach Weekend- I went to VA Beach this weekend to visit Dan. We had a great time! I took Friday off so I left early Friday morning and got there around 2:30pm or so. I took a nap and just a little after I woke up, Dan got home from work. We went and had a yummy dinner at PF Changs and had a fun walk on the beach afterwards. :) On Saturday, we went to an all day art festival that was on the boardwalk. We saw some really bizarre and interesting art. The festival stretched for 20 blocks or so!! IT WAS HUGE! We had some expensive, but tasty vendor food...mmm cheesesteak. A friend of Dan's was staying in VA beach at a really nice hotel for a judge's conference, and didn't need his room for the last night so let us have it! It was awesome! It was a suite and had a flat screen! The hotel was right on the beach and had a really nice pool. After the art show, we went back to the hotel and stayed at the pool for a while. We went home and then went out to dinner at a cute italian restaurant. On Sunday, we did a little shopping (hellllooo new wedges!), had some delicious bagels at Beach Bagels, and took a nap for an hour and a half! I left VA Beach around 6ish or so and got home around 10:30pm. It was a great weekend!!

School Clean-Up- From 12:30pm until 6:30pm I was in my classroom....I cleaned, organized, recycled, tossed, dusted, wiped, filed, sorted, etc. etc.....oy! I still have a lot to do!

An hour of Me-Time- After working so hard today, I took some time out for me and went to get a pedicure. Now my toes look super cute and pretty for the promotion tomorrow andddd for the wedding this upcoming weekend! :) Sweet! Plus the lady must have sensed how stressed I was, because she spent a lot of extra time massaging my feet and legs....maaann I needed that!

Promotion-
Tomorrow night, June 22nd, is our 5th grade promotion (Dan says, "They're getting a raise?")

Promotion is their graduation from 5th grade. It's tomorrow from 4-6pm. I should be writing my "speech" or what I plan on saying about all of my students tomorrow during the ceremony, but instead I am writing a blog post and procrastinatin.

Anyways, here's my outfit...
I found the dress at the mall last year and have only worn it once since I bought it. The shoes are new from this past weekend at VA beach (on sale from $49.00...for $20!!) Gotta love some brightly colored wedges in the summer!! :) And I LOVE how it matches my dress perfectly!








Anyways, I really need to go figure out what to say about my students. This is SO going to make me cry. They drive me nuts, but I don't want them to go!!

Have a great week! :)

fyi

There will be posts, such as the last one, that will have comments closed. This may happen from time to time. That is simply because there are some topics that I will write about on here that I do not wish to have a conversation about, but I simply just want to write about. When I named my blog, "Writing is My Best Outlet" I did it for a reason. This blog is first and foremost a way for me to get my thoughts out...it just happens to be in a place that is shared with others (which is fine).

Feeling bad...about feeling bad

So I'm just going to put it out there...I'm 99.5% sure I'm depressed and have some serious anxiety.

I've thought about it since high school although I had never really spoke of it, typed of it, or even said aloud anything about it until this past year. Just typing an email to a friend about it was a huge step. My next step has been to talk aloud about it more. To be honest, I haven't really taken this step very well. I have talked about it here and there, but haven't done much about it and I still keep a lot of what I'm feeling and thinking to myself. I know that as with everything with me, I need to have some kind of outlet with it, because otherwise it will stay inside eating me alive when there's no reason for it to do so...I have the power to deal with it, come to terms with it, and move on...so here I am.

Writing this isn't as hard as I thought it would be, however I do think that posting it and then looking at it on my blog will be difficult. But maybe it's part of that next step.

I have also started looking for a psychiatrist to talk to about this and find out exactly what this is. I'm 100% sure I have anxiety, and always have. I don't need a doctor to tell me that. I would however feel better about talking to someone who knows more about depression than I do and could possibly give me some insight.

This is such a hard topic to think about, type about, talk about...but at least I'm trying, right?

It's hard to think about this kind-of stuff though...I feel bad about feeling bad. I feel like it's not ok to have times where I want to literally do nothing except sleep or something lazy by myself.

I have a wonderful life and I am happy with my life. It's so hard to explain.

I am happy with my life... But I still have moments where I'm just depressed...I pick out the negatives in everything and put myself down and then I just start listing off things in my head almost as if my brain is in negative/sad mode, and it's time to cry so I might as well just go ahead and think about everything that could possibly make me upset.

To someone else not going through something similar to this, it's so hard to understand. I have no idea how to explain it or how to ask for support in this because honestly I'm still trying to understand it myself.

I know I have all the support in the world with family, friends, and my boyfriend. I just don't really know what kind of support I need to ask for, or how to ask for it.

But thinking back to high school when I had these thoughts and did nothing about...I guess I've come a long way if I can write it down, post it and knowingly allow others to read my inner thoughts.

I hope my next blog about this can involve taking a further step...but I guess we will see.