Thursday, May 27, 2010

Feeling bad...about feeling bad

So I'm just going to put it out there...I'm 99.5% sure I'm depressed and have some serious anxiety.

I've thought about it since high school although I had never really spoke of it, typed of it, or even said aloud anything about it until this past year. Just typing an email to a friend about it was a huge step. My next step has been to talk aloud about it more. To be honest, I haven't really taken this step very well. I have talked about it here and there, but haven't done much about it and I still keep a lot of what I'm feeling and thinking to myself. I know that as with everything with me, I need to have some kind of outlet with it, because otherwise it will stay inside eating me alive when there's no reason for it to do so...I have the power to deal with it, come to terms with it, and move here I am.

Writing this isn't as hard as I thought it would be, however I do think that posting it and then looking at it on my blog will be difficult. But maybe it's part of that next step.

I have also started looking for a psychiatrist to talk to about this and find out exactly what this is. I'm 100% sure I have anxiety, and always have. I don't need a doctor to tell me that. I would however feel better about talking to someone who knows more about depression than I do and could possibly give me some insight.

This is such a hard topic to think about, type about, talk about...but at least I'm trying, right?

It's hard to think about this kind-of stuff though...I feel bad about feeling bad. I feel like it's not ok to have times where I want to literally do nothing except sleep or something lazy by myself.

I have a wonderful life and I am happy with my life. It's so hard to explain.

I am happy with my life... But I still have moments where I'm just depressed...I pick out the negatives in everything and put myself down and then I just start listing off things in my head almost as if my brain is in negative/sad mode, and it's time to cry so I might as well just go ahead and think about everything that could possibly make me upset.

To someone else not going through something similar to this, it's so hard to understand. I have no idea how to explain it or how to ask for support in this because honestly I'm still trying to understand it myself.

I know I have all the support in the world with family, friends, and my boyfriend. I just don't really know what kind of support I need to ask for, or how to ask for it.

But thinking back to high school when I had these thoughts and did nothing about...I guess I've come a long way if I can write it down, post it and knowingly allow others to read my inner thoughts.

I hope my next blog about this can involve taking a further step...but I guess we will see.