Well, I thought that I had pushed my anxiety days away for a good while...
I was wrong.
Let's just say, that in some respects, my anxiety is better in the sense that I have a better understanding about it, I know of more ways to deal with it, and I'm openly aware that I have it.
In other ways, I feel like I'm back at square one.
I don't have as many night anxiety fits anymore like I used to. I have more of the daily worrying thoughts through my head about absolutely everything. What someone is thinking about what I just said, did, or what I look like at that moment; what I need to do and why I haven't done it yet; what I need to do tomorrow after I cross off what I just did today; if anyone cares about what I'm talking about or if I should just shut-up and listen; do I really have confidence at all or am I just faking it?; am I really a good teacher? a good friend? a good girlfriend? Do I think too much? Do I worry too much?
Yes. Yes, I do.
I just wish I could find the on/off switch. Or maybe even a dimmer. Please just tone it down for a minute, brain. Please.
One minute I feel fine and don't even think about worrying or anxiety or any of it. The next, for whatever reason or because of whatever trigger, I am in worry city and I can't find my way out.
By the way, my therapist was supposed to call me in January after he changed offices and insurance companies. It's February 12th, and I have yet to hear from him. Rude. And bad timing.
I feel like some days are 96% happy and worry free...No. Not worry free, because I don't even know if the non-professional-worriers such as myself are completely worry free. Ok so some days are 96% happy and less worry-filled. Other days are 70% worrying and 30% happy. What gets to me is that my brain always finds something to worry about. I preach and talk about staying positive, and yet I can't allow myself to. What the hell is that about? I think positively about things that I can control, and not so positively about things that I can't. I guess it's that simple. And that...ugh, it just sounds so pathetic. I'm a control freak. Not a thought I enjoy having.
I'm just over it.
I've been trying to be more honest lately, for better or worse and to take more chances. I can't even wholeheartedly do that. As I speak a sentence, send a text, or write an email that has even the most minute* tone of brutal honesty, I am already thinking ahead about a response sentence/text/email/whatever that takes it back or apologizes for it.
I'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of thinking about how I think. And I'm tired of complaining. I feel like I still keep so much in, and I want to let it all out but what's already in there is keeping me from getting it out. Not sure if that made sense, but I don't want to go back and read that to check it.
This is a weird time to end this post, but I am just so tired and I don't know what else to type or think...Thank goodness.
*I hate that minute and minute (are you saying it in your head the two different ways yet?) are spelled the same. Homographs are stupid and the people that made them part of the English language did it just to be a*holes. Yep, I said it. How the heck am I supposed to teach phonics to students who can't read, when minute and minute are pronounced in two different ways and have two different meanings?!
**I think goodnight should be two separate words. Good night. It is when you say, "Have a good night" right? So why not when you shorten it? I think technically it is, but society/the Internet is ok with it being together.