It's 1:05 and I'm awake not only because I have had an awful trend of not being able to sleep lately, but also because there was a terrible storm tonight. The thunder was SOO loud! It was kind-of scary actually, it sounded like it was really close by. I literally jumped!
I don't feel so bad though, it kept my roommate up too.
On another note, don't you love that I found a purple picture of lightening?! Sweet!
Thank goodness it's Friday! I can't tell you how much I need this 3 day weekend!
There will be posts, such as the last one, that will have comments closed. This may happen from time to time. That is simply because there are some topics that I will write about on here that I do not wish to have a conversation about, but I simply just want to write about. When I named my blog, "Writing is My Best Outlet" I did it for a reason. This blog is first and foremost a way for me to get my thoughts out...it just happens to be in a place that is shared with others (which is fine).
So I'm just going to put it out there...I'm 99.5% sure I'm depressed and have some serious anxiety.
I've thought about it since high school although I had never really spoke of it, typed of it, or even said aloud anything about it until this past year. Just typing an email to a friend about it was a huge step. My next step has been to talk aloud about it more. To be honest, I haven't really taken this step very well. I have talked about it here and there, but haven't done much about it and I still keep a lot of what I'm feeling and thinking to myself. I know that as with everything with me, I need to have some kind of outlet with it, because otherwise it will stay inside eating me alive when there's no reason for it to do so...I have the power to deal with it, come to terms with it, and move on...so here I am.
Writing this isn't as hard as I thought it would be, however I do think that posting it and then looking at it on my blog will be difficult. But maybe it's part of that next step.
I have also started looking for a psychiatrist to talk to about this and find out exactly what this is. I'm 100% sure I have anxiety, and always have. I don't need a doctor to tell me that. I would however feel better about talking to someone who knows more about depression than I do and could possibly give me some insight.
This is such a hard topic to think about, type about, talk about...but at least I'm trying, right?
It's hard to think about this kind-of stuff though...I feel bad about feeling bad. I feel like it's not ok to have times where I want to literally do nothing except sleep or something lazy by myself.
I have a wonderful life and I am happy with my life. It's so hard to explain.
I am happy with my life... But I still have moments where I'm just depressed...I pick out the negatives in everything and put myself down and then I just start listing off things in my head almost as if my brain is in negative/sad mode, and it's time to cry so I might as well just go ahead and think about everything that could possibly make me upset.
To someone else not going through something similar to this, it's so hard to understand. I have no idea how to explain it or how to ask for support in this because honestly I'm still trying to understand it myself.
I know I have all the support in the world with family, friends, and my boyfriend. I just don't really know what kind of support I need to ask for, or how to ask for it.
But thinking back to high school when I had these thoughts and did nothing about...I guess I've come a long way if I can write it down, post it and knowingly allow others to read my inner thoughts.
I hope my next blog about this can involve taking a further step...but I guess we will see.
I am sooo exhausted! After school today I stayed after and helped set up for tomorrow. Then Mk, Andrea and I went to Red Robin for dinner (delicious!). Then we came back to go to the Chorus concert. I didn't even leave school today until 7:45pm! Goodness!
Tomorrow is our Simulated Congressional Hearings. We have been working on it for a month and I am so excited it's finally here. The kids have worked so hard on their speeches and have been studying up on their follow-up questions, so I hope everything goes well. We have senator Jim Robey coming, as well as some real judges from the community and other important people coming to judge the speeches and questions. I know the kids are excited.
To be honest, I'm just excited to get it over with! I am all SCH-ed out!
I'm supposed to go to the Orioles game tomorrow evening with the roomies, so that should be a fun way to celebrate SCH being over! :)
I need to go iron and get my outfit ready for tomorrow.
So last night I wasn't feeling well so I went to bed at 9pm, which is about 2 hours earlier than I normally do. Well even though I was exhausted, I just couldn't fall asleep! I was tossing and turning alllllll night! Even when it got to my regular bed time, I still couldn't sleep! Not being able to sleep when I'm soooo flippin tired has got to be one of the most annoying things ever, next to having 5th graders roll their eyes at you and walk away saying "Oh my gossssssh."
I need to come up with some sleep remedies or something. I love how relaxing hot tea is, but even the decaf has some caffeine in it and keeps me up. I'm not really into the meditating...and usually when I read a book I stay up later than I should because I get really into it.
Dawn and I went out to Fed. Hill last night and met up with Andrea and some her friends. We unknowingly walked into their bar crawl. They had all of the names of the Fed. Hill bars on small pieces of paper and would pull one to decide where to go next. The rule was to get a drink at each place. We didn't even leave Columbia until 10ish, and by the time we found parking it was close to 11pm, so we didn't drink very much. We went to four or five different bars. I definitely liked Grumpies a lot and I liked Mad River also. Some of the bars there were so insanely crowded, it just made me want to leave immediately. I guess that's the difference between being 21 and almost 25 now...being in a crowded area matters more to me. It gets on my nerves!
So I'm actually going out tonight too, only this time with my roommates. We're going to Fed. Hill also (deja vu?) but to some different bars. It's already 10:50 right now, so we'll see how long we will last. I'm excited to just get out of the house, honestly. Besides a lunch date with Dawn earlier, I've pretty much been inside all day lounging around. It was soooo boring. So I'm glad to just be doing something.
In other news, my favorite lip gloss (in "honey do") went through my load of laundry today in the wash!! I was so upset, and more so about the loss of lipgloss than the soiling of my clothes! I just washed them again, and it was fine...but now I'm short a fabulous lipgloss! I may have to buy it again asap.
I could spend all day listing what has gone through the Strunk household wash since I was younger: crayons, notebook paper, licenses, id cards, coins, lipstick, lipgloss, pens, pencils, markers, eyeliner...the list goes on!
Have you ever had anything go through the wash that shouldn't have?
So my birthday isn't for another 5 months but since it's the big 25 I'm trying to think of something fantastic to do.
Last year, I had a low key kind-of night. We went to one of my favorite restaurants in Little Italy in Baltimore and then went back to Docco's to hang out for a bit.
<--The year before that I had a themed party at Beth's house. The theme was highschool cliches and it was a potluck dinner with boardgames afterwards. (Dan is going to LOVE that I'm posting this picture! lol)
So this year, I want to go BIG...like good friends, acquaintances, some family, work friends...everyone! Ideally, I'd like to rent a separate space that has a bar of its own and where only my party can talk, drink and hang out. I wouldn't worry about food much, but maybe have some munchies there. I have NO idea where to go though or where to look. I know of a place in Fed. Hill that could work but I'd rather do this somewhere where there's more parking and accessible for everyone!
Little things that REALLY bug me: 1. When my eyes won’t stop watering from yawning in the morning right after I just put on my eye makeup. 2. When you’re and your are interchanged in writing. 3. If something is left open…(anything) like the closet doors, a dresser drawer, the pantry, the refrigerator, a cabinet, a laptop, a pen cap that’s not back on the pen, etc. 4. When nail polish chips the day of or day after putting it on. 5. When adults won’t stop arguing and strive to get the last word…just like my fifth graders do. 6. When people make any and every conversation come back to them and their life while refusing to listen to yours. 7. Constant tapping, banging, bell ringing…any small noise that is repeated over and over again…I…can’t…handle…it!! I am soo easily over-stimulated by sensory things like that! I have students who will just tap their pencil on their desk when they’re thinking…I have to stop instruction IMMEADIATELY to have it stop because otherwise my head will explode.
And just so that I can be positive, little things that I love: 1. Forehead kisses from boyfriends. 2. Having a cold delicious glass of juice after a hard day at work. 3. Making my students laugh. 4. When my students make me laugh even when they drive me crazy most of the time. 5. Frozen Grapes. 6. A glass of wine with a good friend. 7. An evening walk when it’s still kind-of light outside and just a little cool out.
And just to be clear, nothing major has happened lately to spark these lists, I was just thinking about pet peeves, and thought I’d make a list….which reminds me…
you smile to yourself when no one else is around :)
Reasons to be happy right now:
1. I have a fantastic boyfriend who I know I'll be with forever. He makes me feel very loved and I can't wait until we're closer to each other and together all the time!
2. I finally found a cute makeup bag/train case to hold my all of my makeup! Bonus: Polka Dots!
<--Polka Dots!! :)
<--Notice the cute blue and pink stripes on the inside!
3. I have one of the 2 outfits I need to have for Dan's Graduation this weekend!
I found this at Ross a couple weeks ago for under $20!
<--I wanted to make it more nice looking and not as summery/beachy so I found this cute cable knit sweater at Target today. I have a newfound love for yellow. Last year I was all about the gray. This year, it's yellow.
The only thing I'm not so sure about is which shoes to wear...I don't have any yellow or blue shoes and I don't really want to go buy some. I do have some nude colored wedges that could go with it. I also have some simple black heels that basically look like a classier flip flop with a pointy heel. What do you guys think?
This weekend was a lot of fun, and I'm so glad it was because this week is going to be a crazy one.
Friday: Hung out with Beth, Dawn, and Jeremy. Had Chipotle for dinner (Mmm) and watched Iron Man (the first one). What a great movie!
Saturday: Ran errands. Grocery Shopping and Laundry. Babysat for a few hours. Went home, spent a long time getting ready (sometimes I just love doing that!) and then drove over and picked up Dawn. We met MK in Canton at Canton Square. We stayed out late dancing, talking, and laughing! It was so nice to do that! In college we did it all the time, and I didn't realize how much I missed it. I hope we do that more often from now on. :) Came home late and stayed up an extra hour watching an episode of Private Practice that I had on DVR.
Sunday: Mother's Day. Went to my parent's house and helped prepare some food. Chatted with two of my cousins and my aunt. My grandparents (Mom's side) came over a little later and I spent some time with them too. Then I went home around 5 and took a nap for an hour and a half...it was glorious! After waking up, I made a healthy snack (organic strawberries and blueberries with one 100 calorie pack of cheese cubes) and watched a silly Fox Family movie called "Beauty and the Briefcase" with Hilary Duff. Cute movie. It's weird seeing a Disney star talk about sex in movies though. I still think of her as a child star.
And here I am. I should be in bed, but I guess my nap from earlier gave me some unexpected energy.
Tomorrow I am consuming nothing other than clear liquids all day to prepare for my exam on Tuesday. Needless to say, I am not exaclty thrilled about it.
What this week looks like:
Monday: All clear liquid diet. Prepare sub plans for Tuesday. Walk with Nancy after school. Take gross pills at 5pm.
Tuesday: No school for me. Wake up at 5am to take more gross pills. Go to doctor's at 10:30am, have the exam at 11am, be back at home around 2ish. Sleep the rest of the day.
Wednesday: Middle school visit with the kids from 9:45-11:45am. Crazy day following with lots to do with SCH. Walk with Nancy afterschool.
Thursday: Another middle school visit. Enrichment fair after school. Get sub plans ready for Friday. Pack for Blacksburg.
Friday: Drive to Blacksburg fairly early in the morning. Hang out with B'Loves all day. Graduation # 1 at 7ish. Stay the night.
Saturday: Graduation #2 in the morning. Stay the night.
Sunday: Drive home to work on school work, plan for the next week, grade, and recooperate.
Note to self:
Get LOTS of sleep otherwise face possible insanity.
Ok so I have been a bit MIA lately because I've been having some pretty serious health issues. I would rather not go into it here, but basically I've had some nasty complications and side effects from being on a medicine called Accutane for three months. I had to stop taking it a few days ago, and now I have to go to a specialty doctor tomorrow to see just how bad these complications are. I'll be honest, I'm kind-of freaking out about it. I'm worried that it will be something long-term or something that will be with me forever. I'm trying to think positive, but when it's a side effect that affects you all day every day, it's impossible to ignore.
Why is this post titled too many doctors? I had an appointment with my primary doctor (a new one, she's fantastic!) on Monday, got blood taken the same day at LabCorp, had to call and talk to my dermatologist about cancelling my original appointment with him this Friday since I can't take Accutane right now, and now I'm going to see a whole other kind of specialist tomorrow. Ugh. Too much.
Trying to be positive here...Well, I'm looking forward to this weekend....nothing much planned so far which is nice. I'm hoping to get some sleep and to go outside if I can, since it should be sunny. :)
Wish me luck tomorrow. I am so not happy about going!