Sunday, November 25, 2012

Back to PT I go...

So a week or so ago, on the way from Dunkin Donuts to the Heart Walk, I hurt myself.  All over a bagel! Yes, a bagel!

I promised my best girl friends some DD before the Heart Walk in DC, so I stopped there on the way to B's house.  When I started driving away, the bag of bagels was too top heavy and it fell on my seat.  When it fell down, the bagel in the top of the bag went flying to the floor in front of the passenger seat in my car.  When I was at a stop light, I reached over to go and grab it from the floor.  Immediately when I reached, I felt a big stinging pain in my shoulder, trapezius muscle, and upper arm.  It was the exact same pain I felt right after my car accident in April.  The same pain that put me in physical therapy for a month and a half. And it hurt the whole rest of that day!

The feeling of instant regret for reaching for the bagel came almost as quickly as the pain itself.  When thinking back to it, I really didn't do anything crazy as I reached for it, and after talking with my physical therapist I realize that it might have just happened another time anyways because there's a good chance that my original injury from the accident didn't heal completely.
That's one of the main spots I hurt!
Anywho...I'm REALLY not happy about this.  This injury happened the day before I got a call from the insurance saying they had a settlement number for me.  The call I had been waiting for, the settlement that would finally end this accident mess.  Ugh. 

I know that I should look at the positive in this, and realize how grateful I should be that I didn't settle yet, which means that any of my physical therapy from here on out is covered by my accident claims. And to be clear, I am grateful.  

However, I'm nervous that it's really bad this time.  When I went for my re-evaluation after this injury last week, EVERYTHING they did to test me hurt soooo bad!  Last time I was in physical therapy it was more about building the strength in those areas, because I didn't really have any pain other than a few days right after the accident.

THIS TIME it's all about the pain.  Oh my gosh, I felt like such a baby, wincing and whining every time they lifted my arm or pushed on it or asked me to do certain exercises.  I mean, I still did them, but I was not happy about it!  I have pain in my arm, upper back, and trapezius (which by the way, what a funny name for the muscle!) every day! UGH.
So I'm back to twice a week at physical therapy.  There's no way of saying how long it'll be for, but I know from experience that after twice a week, it goes down to once a week, and then a re-evaluation from there.  So personally, I see it being at least two months this time, considering how much pain I'm in.  

I'm determined to do this the right way though.  I'm working on my posture daily now (she said that it could really help me out - and actually could have made my injury worse), and I'm also doing my home exercises several times a day.  

Sorry for such a long post that mostly includes whining.  I don't think it's even the pain or annoying-ness of scheduling PT twice a week again that really bothers me.  It's the not being done with this whole mess that bothers me.  That accident was by far the most horrific experience I've ever had and I am still struggling with driving at night without serious anxiety.  

I have been relying a lot on my faith to get me through this, and pray all the time that my anxiety will get better, and that I stay safe.  It's hard to keep the faith that it will all be ok, when I know how little control anyone has on deer-related accidents, ESPECIALLY during mating season which just recently started.  OH and so did hunting season.  Even better.

I'll get there, I know I will.  It's just hard.  :-/

Have you ever heard this? 
"You can have faith.  Or you can have fear. You can't have both." 

I heard it on TV and I was really interested in this idea.  I don't necessarily believe this, but I think it's a great notion.

So for example,  I should have faith that I'm a good driver and that I am more aware of my surroundings because of the experiences I've had with car accidents, and therefore not have fear that a deer will pop out at any moment and put me in another accident. 

But it just doesn't work like that.  I feel like there's too much gray area in between faith and fear for me.  I have faith that I know how to drive well, but I don't have faith that deer will stay away from the road or not run into traffic because I've seen first hand that they do exactly that.  

What do you think? Can you have both faith and fear? Or do you just have one or the other? I'm so intrigued by the thought of only having one, but I just can't imagine it.

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